In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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