when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
