I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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