if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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