Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
