I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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