i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
