Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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