Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
