you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
