i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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