Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
