Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Terrible idea I love it
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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