He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
