just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
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I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
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He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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