Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
