I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
