You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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