I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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