see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
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Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
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He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize