When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
