i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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