Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You pole danced in your parka.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
