OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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