i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
