Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
