am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
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I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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