I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
