I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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