you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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