I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
