If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
