WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
