You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
