Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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