She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
