new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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