i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
