Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
