rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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