ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Couch. On fire.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
