Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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