I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
