the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
