Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
