How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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