Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
honey bunches of taint.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
