Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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