so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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