just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
