You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
