The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
