Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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