"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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