you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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