Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
